to go along w/ Painstation's Quotation...today

more than anything....I like to laugh.

but if I do let out a big Belly one
then, I'm done

cus up in my head there's a
red Hot poker
and if i am honest....

the Joker turns on the poker...
the poker becomes the stoker
the stoker
stirs the flAME.....

and that was NOT....at all..
the joker's AIM.

a brief conversation w/ my speaking voice

hello you ......how are you feeling today?

i don't want to talk about it ..... you know it will only hurt you if i choose to open up and use your voice ....so what is the point?

i know that BUT..no one knows what i feel like today....yesterday..last night ? i am all stuffed with emotions..painful or wonderful...crazy or creepy....creative or funny even. I am so lonely sometimes and if i go to a party and see a person there that makes me happy and excited I forget to remember in time that if i use you and start conversating ....all HELL will break loose in my head.....i will go home and those gnarly little speelunkers will start crawling through my head and spreading out into every corner of my brain.....their spiky axes start chippin away at my sanity.....SOOO....I WANT TO YELL AND REALLY OPEN YOU UP...rev up your engine and really go to town....then it becomes a regular MERY-GO-ROUND of pain!

OK Let me see if i understand what you just asked me to do....Open your badly crumpled, but rebuilt and f#@%*@- around- with mouth ....let someone in on your particularly insightful and amusing (according to you) remarks on "OUR" life .....then feel great for about two minutes...get home..go to bed...have nutty nightmares ....so BIG that u wake up...and threaten to open me up (again)....ARE..U..KIDDIN..ME......OH yeah ...it sounds like a real Blast...one i don't want to be a part of But...Hey it's your mouth.. right... i'm just the voice here..so you go ahead and do what you want... let me say one word of warning.....CONSEQUENCES?....I'M JUST THINKING OUT LOUD HERE....oh i didn't mean to get so loud there...ok that's all...really..everything.... i am not gonna say another...word..FULLstop..YIKES...Mouth...you may be on to something here...Damn. Are you still with me...mouth?

OH yeah, I think we have my answer.....at least for tonight...please...sleep TIGHT!

Gotcha...........(damn!).

why I am just not like the rest of you

• where does someone go when they are surrounded by people who want to TALK? Anywhere....right?
• BUT.....what if you cannot speak without every single word causing pain?
• AND....YOU LOVE TO talk..express yourself..let the whole world know your very specific and very cool and very interesting point of view.
• ...I am not brilliant but I am smart.....Oh yeah I am justlike soooo many of you .....i so hope there is a being out in this internet world JUST like me....OH MY GOD HOW COOL TO FIND THAT INDIVIDUAL......but that"s another question....That's another day....
• I HAVE A SECRET.....I HAD A BAD ACCIDENT....HIT A TREE SNOWSKIING.....AND AFTER NINE OPERATIONS ON MY HEAD.....ENDED UP WITH TITANIUM AND SILASTIC IMPLANTS IN MY JAW AND SKULL.......i CAN speak....i DO speak...but after even a few sentences.....i get a blinding headache. IT's that simple. IT's that complicated.
• what do you do when you can't keep your mouth shut....and you know it will cause you great amounts of pain to keep on talking...but you're caught up in the moment....and all the people you adore are hanging on your words AND everyone's laughing, remembering, telling stories...and it FEELS SOO GOOD
• i am just w0ndering about these things...just wishing for someplace to let it out....i am blessed in sooo many ways....that i guess i feel bad to complain..but it is such BIG PAIN such a suffocation of sorts...it doesn't hurt to balk about it on this site...right?
• speaking=pain
• not/speaking=extreme frustrating
• i truly stay in my own safe place....to keep my own big mouth SHUT.